There are some mornings where I wake up and really wonder if my day might be best spent on Freud’s couch. I think I’ve mentioned before that I have vivid dreams almost every night. Unfortunately, they are often stress dreams and I wake exhausted from all of my virtual battles in the night. I prime myself each night by thinking of happy thoughts. When I’m next to Matthew he will say, “Name three happy things.” Usually I find myself thinking about Sophie running at the beach, the smells and sounds of Goose Rocks or the beloved porch at Mavis’s in Vermont. It just doesn’t seem to prime my brain in the way I hoped.

Most of my dreams are bizarre recreations of themes of unworthiness, abandonment, and fighting for some cause. I can usually find the origin and I like to think this is my primordial mind’s way of telling me I have more work to do on myself. This morning I awoke after a fitful night of sleep. I awoke several times disrupting Sophie and felt a bit anxious that I was going to be exhausted the next day. I find without Matthew’s comforting form next to me –even his snores, I am less able to settle back in to sleep.

Last night’s dream ticked all the boxes. It had anxiety, abandonment and even a bit of Goose Rocks beach thrown in for good measure. I will recount it here in case any of my readers are armchair psychologistswho want to take a look into my subconscious. BE AFRAID. VERY AFRAID.

So it started that I was at Goose Rocks beach but nothing looked the same. I remember certain familiar houses but they all seemed to be damaged. Evidently the sea had pushed in and washed away huge portions of beach and curves of land. I was there along with my daughter and a couple of her friends. We, like everyone else there couldn’t make sense of the destruction and the water. It seemed there was water everywhere. Weirdly, I remember noticing a department store built right on the beach road that had a Sephora. I told my daughter that even without the water, the place was going to hell. It occurred to me in the dream that I must have been away from Goose Rocks longer than I thought.

My main objective was to get home to Brunswick, Lewiston, or wherever home was. I was in charge of a teenage Lily and two of her peers. I also had a large dog to keep track of. It was hard making our way around flooded roads and broken buildings. My mode of transport was a red flyer wagon with a small motor attached. Somehow we all fit in it but it was hard to maneuver off road and through water.

The next thing I remember is that Lily and her friends were trying on dresses for an upcoming event-perhaps prom? I wanted to try on dresses too but with the wagon and the dog and the responsibility I felt like I couldn’t. At some point one of the friend’s parents called and said that they wanted her home. I was stressed because I knew it would take forever to get there. In a matter of minutes, this girl’s parents were there and offered to help at least the girls to get home. Apparently I was one too many for their car. They stopped and had a meal and I was so pissed that I just walked away with my dog to sort out my wagon. Again, the water seemed to rise and I felt like I was being left behind. I also felt it was imperative that I call my cousin Anne to tell her about the destruction at our favorite beach but my phone wouldn’t work and I was so tired.

It soon occurred to me that I was sick and was going to have to get a more serious about getting away from the sea and heading home. I was grateful that Lily was safe but sad that I had been left behind. My dog kept wandering off. At some point, I noticed there were tiny kittens in the grass that also needed saving. They were so small that they hardly seemed alive. I filled my pockets with them and then took the rest and dumped them in a woolen hat I used as a purse to carry them. The last thing I remember before I woke up was realizing that the water had surrounded the piece of land I was on and I was going to somehow have to cross a channel, with my wagon and menagerie of animals. What the HELL was that? Give it your best shot. I was tired before breakfast.