And really that is an improvement from Sunday and Monday when I was very much a funnel. All I seem to really be able to concentrate on is how much I put in me, how much remains, and how much of that does any good at all. I haven’t been this focused on the input and output of a creature since baby James was born. His dad and I were measuring ounces of breast milk and counting dirty diapers to make sure he was in fact getting nutrition. We didn’t have to do that long as James grew like a weed and we were confident he was getting what he needed.

I have felt humbled by how weak my body has become and I am focused on getting it to hold on to nutrients with the least work possible. This means that hideous BRAT diet (Bananas, rice, apple sauce, toast) is my staple. I refuse to entertain apple sauce and the other stuff sure is dull. I don’t have energy to be creative so I force myself to eat the binding foods and then wait……

In France they don’t have Immodium or antidiarrheal tablets. If they are available I didn’t get them. Instead I got sachets of powdered medicine. Now this is not the lavender “sachet” in your grandma’s underwear drawer, this is just powder. One is simply supposed to pour it in water and drink the chalky fluid anytime one eats. Terrific. It’s almost like the pharmaceutical companies got lazy and decided not to mold tablets or pills. It is probably genius and economical. It is also hard to swallow.

Slowly and surely I am starting to tolerate food better but I am still highly dependent on my packets. I want to feel strong enough to workout and cook and just live normally. It has been a lesson in humility to see that this body of mine doesn’t quite bounce back as it once did. What I know, is that I should feel grateful that I am recovering. I tell myself to keep seeking gratitude and stop being a baby even though currently I digest like one.