The leaves instantly turned on like red, orange, and yellow lights when we had some gray days this week. It made my drive less desperate. We also got some much needed rain which makes me feel less worried about the plantings at the farm and our house.

I made the wreath with my cousin Anne when she was up visiting two weeks ago. We had such a nice time together exploring Damariscotta, buying fall mums, laughing, and taking long bike rides. I told her about the wreath I intended to make and she expressed that she wanted to learn to make one too. We wandered around the neighborhood cutting down bittersweet that was full of berries and then we set up a wreath making station in the back yard. While we worked I thought about my mom who showed me how to do this. It was cool sharing it with Anne and we were pleased with our end result.

I have had lovely visits with family and friends in the last few weeks. I have lit the pumpkin candles and sat around the table with my kids enjoying their adult company. I have walked Sophie in the woods and am planning on making my mom’s spaghetiti sauce this weekend. Work remains a challenge. I like my students very much but I am much less fulfilled working in this career these days. The fact that I’m doing it my old high school adds insult to injury.

The dreams have started to come back. I am in an airport, trying to catch a train, or otherwise in transit trying to get to France or somewhere in Europe. In the dreams I sometimes lose my luggage, miss my train, or have no money but I always get there. I think I know why these dreams have resumed. My current arrangement doesn’t feed my soul like my life in France does. I love to have quiet evenings with my husband and wake up with him beside me but I wholeheartedly would rather be doing it all there.

I am trying to find the balance. This week I purchased my tickets for a two week stint in November and we are talking about spending the holidays in St. Denis. We are actively looking for the property that helps us realize our dream of running an inn, b&b or event destination. I am looking in the U.S. as well as France because I’ve come to realize that it is the chance to start over and discover a new community that I long for. The baguettes and more relaxed lifestyles of rural France are tempting but I could see myself loving a new life in Vermont as easily. It is both exciting and daunting to realize that the next phase of our lives could be anywhere. For now I savor the conversations with my kids and dream of the walks around my tiny French village. It is bittersweet.