I must be a really fickle pickle. On the one hand, I am so fulfilled by the life I lead here and on the other, I am homesick or people sick-I’m not sure which. I take a tremendous amount of pleasure in the rhythms of my life here, my social connections, my hobbies and my home BUT I miss my husband and my sons. BADLY. I want to be able to share all of this stuff with them and it is hard to rely on video calls and texts as our only means of connection. I’m considering heading home for some of June but it may just not work. I realize I need to be brave and get a grip.
In other news, I doubt you know this, but I’m pretty sure my dad comes to me as a dragonfly. I don’t mean to say that he is reincarnated as a dragonfly, but I do feel when I am in the presence of my dad I often have a dragonfly nearby. I first realized this in the weeks right after my dad passed away. It was late August and I was working out at a beloved garden I kept for some friends in Woolwich. I was thinking about my dad a lot and missing him. Quite suddenly, I felt him near me and I was sure of it. Some of you might understand what I mean.
I looked up and saw hundreds of dragonflies darting back and forth above my head. I took it as his sign that he was with me. Perhaps it was foolish but since then, weirdly I have had single dragon flies alight on me or near me and I have felt him then too. I think he would like being a dragonfly. They are very attractive, a tad intimidating, and they really do good for the world -eating up other less enjoyable insects.
Yesterday I was laying in the sunshine with Sophie trying to get some color on my legs. It was so beautiful out in the garden. There was a gentle breeze, the birds were doing their thing, and the air smelled sweet with wisteria. All of a sudden I looked to my right and near my head, at eye level was a beautiful, red dragonfly. He appeared to look at me and it provoked me to ask my “dad” out loud how he was. Now the dragonfly didn’t talk back but that didn’t stop me from continuing my conversation. Sophie will tell you, silence never deters me in that way. I went on to tell him that I was happy and to express my gratitude that he could enjoy my garden here along with me. I also told him I loved him and always would. I forgave him for his mistakes and I told him I knew he had done his best.
So now readers, this information along with the dream analysis may lead you to believe I am actually insane. Fickle and weird at the very least.
One response to “Homesick And I Saw My Dad”
I empathize with your deep grief, and sadness. My thinking . . . . the connection to those we love remains well beyond death.
Frequently, I have noticed “reminders” of my mom all around me in nature. She loved her garden, and rabbits! During the last two years, I have also lost five close friends. Loss of friends is a reality that happens in old age! Two were in my wedding. A few years ago, I experienced a painful rejection due to an unresolved separation with one of the five. As a result of no explanation, it remained a source of sadness for a few years. My friend passed away a year ago around this time. Recently, I had a very unusual dream about her, which felt like we were having an actual conversation in the present. That said, I realize my experience can’t actually be understood by others.