Dear Mom, I decided this year to recognize your birthday by sending you a little letter. It’s strange to think that this year you would be 85. It feels both like you haven’t been around for ages and it was just the other day that I got that call from Aunt Mary. I almost can’t imagine you still here. You were so ready to be done and get some respite from the burdens of life. I can’t really conceive of how you would have managed through the election, the backwards human rights movement, and the darkness of these last few winters. I think you left when it was right for you. As hard as it has been for us, I am grateful you are at peace.

In saying that, there is not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you and wish I could pick up the phone and catch up. Even hearing your gruff, less-than-positive voice would be amazing. I don’t call because I don’t yet have your number wherever you are (I like to imagine you are lounging at Goose Rocks beach with a great book, a salty snack and big gin and tonic), but I do talk to you. Sometimes I do this out loud, and sometimes in my head. I tell you about how I feel as I work through the changing roles of being a mom to adults, living apart from my amazing husband (I can see you frowning about that) and catch you up on all of my adventures in this French life. I can almost feel you with me sitting in the garden taking it all in. Yesterday I sat in the sunshine and smelled the heavily blossomed wisteria (draped like it was staged) and thought how much you would love this place.

Sometimes I think I do this for both of us. I know how much you loved travel, history, and you would just about flipped for the blue and white garden I have inherited. Each primrose, blue bell or acanthus would make you smile. And the walks with wild flowers by the bushel, you would love that too. Mostly though, I think you would love that I did this. I think you would be proud that I was desperate/brave enough to take this step and follow my dreams to live abroad. I think you would like to see me happy and fulfilled and excited for what is left to come.

In honor of your birthday I have invited some friends to dinner tonight. I made your sauce and your lasagna. I also made a lemon cheesecake in a nod to your love of lemon. I thought of you when I did all of this. The centerpiece for my table is the multiple vase container you bought me after I admired yours. I filled it with all blue flowers to celebrate the woman who raised me and loved all shades of the color blue. Happy Birthday Mama. Love, Sarah