The weather appears poised to turn to Autumn here in France. While it is still warm, this morning I awoke to fog and a slightly cooler feel to the air. The forecast indicates that the highs in the upcoming weeks will only reach the low 60’s.

I have been keeping myself busy by getting the garden winter-ready and cutting back lots of overgrown hedges and trees. It isn’t fun work exactly but it really looks better once I’m done. I totally feel the responsibility of being a steward to this garden while I am the owner of this house. In addition to cutting back, I continue to plant ranunculus bulbs so I can once again watch their blossoms emerge like perfect paper maché creations come May. So onto the decisions…..

I have decided to spend the bulk of the winter in Maine with my husband. I want to be with him even if it means facing the snow and ice and hideous temperatures. I also want to be with my children when they are home for their lengthy holiday breaks from university. Parker has become such a fun mini-adult that I crave spending as much time with him as he will permit! It seems that I have discovered that I am not completely content in any one place for too long. This fall has taught me that my dreams are not quite as fulfilling without the people I love alongside me to share them with.

It is also quite overwhelming to face another winter season here alone without my neighbors. The gray damp days of winter are not easy here in St. Denis de Gastines. One begins to wonder if there are actually co-inhabitants of this small town in winter. Gone are the families out walking on the paths, or playing pétanque in tournaments near the community center. It becomes eerily quiet and the best chance for seeing others is at the boulangerie early in the morning.

In addition to the quiet, there is the “small” project of heating my house by wood. It really is daunting to keep the house warm and snug each day. Lugging in firewood and keeping the fires going in different zones of the house at the right temperatures becomes a full time job. At first I thought it was romantic and clearly last year I lived out my Little House on the Prairie fantasies. Now I see it as a ton of work to do all on my own.

Funny, I have hesitated to tell my readers that I am going home to Maine for a few months. I can’t help but feel like I may disappoint some people. Please know that this is not me deciding that France was a mistake. Rather, I think it shows that I have learned a bit more about myself and what I ultimately want. I want adventure, culture, history and autonomy. It turns out that I also want companionship, family, tradition, and the familiar in equal measure. This year will be about me trying to find a balance. Right now I have a return ticket to France booked for the end of March. That will allow me to catch the bluebells in flower and watch my garden open up in the spring.