Middle-age is not for the faint of heart. Just when I get used to gray hairs on.my head, I’m surprised to find an inch long hair coming out on my neck. Okay, okay, I know I am incredibly lucky to be in good health. I recognize what amazing things my body lets me do and I am grateful. I want to stay in this grace. Unfortunately, I’m an asshole and a complainer so I tend to notice and then focus on the imperfections and the difficulties.

Physically, I’m getting used to always being sore. As an avid exerciser, I’m used to pushing through pain but this is becoming next level. All those joints that have kept me running and cycling, gardening and lifting are getting tired. They ache. Even sleeping on my bed mattress feels like a workout. My right knee pops with every step, my right big toe jams without my orthotic, and the plantar fasciitis in my left foot threatens my ability to ambulate.

And then there is the mirror. My body has been changing my whole life. I’ve been chubby, fit, thin and pregnant. My one constant was my face. Even when it was slightly fuller and more freckled I thought I had a good face. I hope that doesn’t come off as arrogant, because anyone who knows me knows I lack self confidence big time. My face or at least my eyes and my smile were the only parts of me I sort of liked.

Now I feel challenged. The smile is still there as are the eyes but now joining in are lines sprouting up everywhere. Crows feet, weird lip lines that I thought only smokers got, and the forehead are all messing up my confidence. Let me be clear. I don’t want to be this way.

I want to be one of those cool chicks who ages gracefully and loves it. I want to proud of my lines and curves. I want to be that grandma that is evolved to the point where she doesn’t care about her appearance. I want to glow from the inside. I have not had cosmetic procedures and I don’t want to.

I guess I’m just asking for my moisturizers to work a little better, for the mirror to be a bit gentler, and for the air around me to be consistently misty and candle-lit. I want to be at the place where I don’t get undone when I see myself first thing in the morning. I don’t want to have to work so hard to angle the phone when I’m video calling. I want to let it go.

If anyone has any tips on how to find this grace, I’m all ears. For now, I will remind myself to focus on gratitude. I will keep using the retinol, keep my tweezers handy and remember what I’ve always been told. True beauty has nothing to do with a face or a body. The heart is the light that draws people in.