This is the question that I keep returning to. I don’t yet see a formal plan and it is starting to make me anxious. I know now that I miss my boys fiercely. I know that my husband is most often too far away. I know that I am growing in all the painful ways I have avoided up until now and I feel stronger because of it.

I am slowing down, listening to my heart, and eating bread and cheese like it is my business. I am dreaming strange vivid dreams. I dream of my family of origin, my parents, old loves, my husband, the kids when they were babies. I am no longer having the dream where I am abroad and am trying to figure a way to move further East into Europe as a means to avoid going back to the U.S. I don’t know what if anything my dreams mean.

I feel lighter. Less weighed down by my worries of making everyone happy around me. I am carefully trying to avoid the empath’s natural urge to take on the pain of the people in my life. I’m only partially successful at that.

I am cooking, and setting fires to keep my house warm. I am gardening until my fingers get stiff and sore and my back says enough. I walk everywhere all the time with my side kick Sophie. I am, now having full conversations with her wherever I go which I’m sure has raised some eyebrows around town.

I am relishing in the visits of my friends and family. I’m just wondering what next? I think I need to work and contribute to feel more alive and connected. Will I get a visa that allows me to work next time? Will I spend less time in France and more in Maine? Should I start this dream business venture of mine? Should I prepare this house for rental?

I have way more questions than answers at this point. I’m trying to not let that stress me out. I am realizing my dreams and perhaps making new ones. For now, I am focusing on my husband and Parker’s visit next weekend. I am planning a trip to Italy solo to see this coast I keep hearing about. I will eat that damn pizza in Naples even if I have to get mugged to do it. I will keep looking forward and savoring my lengthening days here in St. Denis.