I doubt you’ve missed my musings but I have a good excuse either way. I took a break and went home for the holidays. I immersed myself in family, food and merriment. There were high points…. the beautiful and massive Matthew and Parker had cut and lit waiting for me when I opened the door to the condo; and low points…. feeling like the empath in me was sucking up sadness I was unprepared to deal with. There was also lots in between. I ate, drank, laughed, made, cycled, cleaned, slept, loved, reconnected, listened, and easily reintegrated into family life.

I relished my time with the kids. Parker is suddenly a very cool, and tall adult. He is funny and quick and polite. He is more careful with me than the kids I birthed. I think it is one of the big upsides of step parenting. You get to be around a child who really can choose whether they like you or not. When they don’t it really sucks. But when they do, gosh–it feels like an unexpected present.

This is not to say that my bio kids don’t like me or can’t choose not to. I think they are at that place in young adulthood where they have a new perspective on their parents. They see me as a human with all my failings as well as the mom that does their laundry and makes them their favorite foods. It is unnerving really. I can remember when I finally realized my parents were just mortals like I was. Seeing their shortcomings was and still sometimes is hard to reconcile with.

I am so lucky to have wonderful, loving, brilliant children who still can tolerate me even as they come to realize I’m just another human working through the journey of life. I will accept their advice which admittedly sometimes feels patronizing and try to be my best self. I also have some wisdom that they don’t yet and I will use that to forgive myself and love myself even as I disappoint them.

Matthew continues to be my rock. He is a constant source of unconditional love and such a soft spot to land. He spoils me and I lean into it. Hard not take stock and feel gratitude for the blessings I have as I start this new year. 2023. Heavens! Where does the time go. It feels like it was just 1987.