I have always sought it and rarely achieved it. My tempo has always been high and I struggle to equalize activity with rest. Likewise, I struggle to balance giving to others with taking care of myself. I didn’t have any instruction on how to do this. My dad threw himself into doing things for the college, for the community, and for his own sense of achievement. My brother’s and I have joked about talking to my dad on a typical Saturday morning at 10 am, and he would report that he had already walked 3 miles, baked two loaves of bread, paid bills, and rototilled the garden. He very much equated worth with achievement.

My mom, on the other hand, gave everything to others. She sacrificed for my dad, for my siblings and I, for her friends and for her students. She seemed to think she would be worthy if she gave to others almost to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes her giving looked like feeding people, sometimes it was making things for people and often it was just being there. I was so motivated to be like her precisely because I knew first hand how wonderful it felt to be the recipient of her gifts. Unfortunately, my mom never took care of herself. It wasn’t until I was near middle age that I saw how her lack of balance had devastated her.

France is trying to slow me down. As I’ve mentioned before, I am on her schedule and have had to learn to adapt when things don’t happen when I expect them to. I had expected to pick up my car on Saturday only to find out that the bank transfer was delayed and I would be without a car for several more days. I have to have grace with this or I will go nuts.

Here, I can’t default to just giving to others because I’m often alone and I get to think about what might be best for me.* Trying to take care of myself honestly makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what I want without first filtering it through what might be best for others.. I struggle to not feel guilty. Certain things are easy. I want flowers in my house, I want to eat bread and cheese, I want to make friends, laugh, and exercise. I don’t know much else. I can’t tell yet if I can be truly happy so far away from my family. Face time really helps but I long to feel Matthew’s hand in mine and hear James’s laugh across the table.

For now, I will try to balance work with play, food with exercise, and social times with quiet. I am making time to stop and smell the flowers, jump off my bike to gather apples or photograph a field of sunflowers. We will see how it goes!

• It occurred to me while I was making dinner last night and belting out the Hamilton soundtrack in its entirety (and repeating certain songs several times) that I might be getting better at doing what I want.