Well I did it. I woke when my alarm alerted me to, got dressed and put my hair up. I was able to use the vacuum bag without Lily’s help and got my suitcase closed on the first try. I checked out of the White Hart Inn and headed across town. I knocked on Lily’s door ahead of schedule. She was asleep but after a moment, I heard, “Mama?” She opened the door and as much as I tried I could not see an 18 year old standing in front of me. Instead I saw the face of a three-year-old Lily -hair mussed with sleep still in her eyes.

I joined her for a quick cuddle and pretended I didn’t hear her when she said, “Don’t leave.” I reassured her that she was brave and strong and beautiful. I promised I would always be a phone call away and could come to her if she needed me. The brave mother in me resisted the urge to hold onto her tiny frame. I heard myself telling her that today she needed to get out, explore and make friends.

I told her I would call her when I arrived at the airport and made a few lame jokes before giving her one final kiss. I didn’t let myself cry then and I hadn’t felt the true pain of that moment until now, sitting here in the airport writing this. Her eyes were as big as saucers when I last looked but I know that she’s got this. She is such a force -that child.

I walked down the stairs of the dormitory and remembered a similar walk nearly 32 years ago when I walked up the 5 flights of stairs after saying goodbye to my parents and boyfriend at Middlebury. I remember feeling eerily numb as I walked up those stairs brushing tears away before I saw anyone. I felt almost the same way as I reversed the process walking away from Lily.

I have anticipated the moment when my children flew from the nest for a long time. Admittedly, I am better prepared than most. From the time that my ex-husband and I divorced I had to learn to say goodbye and be separated from them. I am determined to not make them feel guilty about leaving and instead to cheer them on.

It is this determination that has led me to pursue this dream. I want to chase adventure and know complete fulfillment. It is my intention to maintain a nest for my kids always but I am anxious to move, redesign and reimagine the nature of this nest. It will be cozy and all at once familiar and strange.

Onward. Next stop Paris.