This Thursday evening I will return to France for a couple of months. I am both eager and anxious. The thing is, I love that house, the culture and my friends there. I just hate leaving behind access to my sons, husband and friends here. And I just hate goodbyes.

Typically, I avoid goodbyes. I will leave a party without saying a formal goodbye to the host. Sometimes I will hang up the phone just prior to a closing statement. I will not avail myself to participating in an emotional face-to-face goodbye if I can avoid it. This probably all stems from some inherent guilt I’ve had since birth or perhaps, it has to do with some fear of being alone or abandoned. I know it irritates my friends and family. My mom used to call me back after I ended a phone call to remind me that it was impolite and I should always say, “goodbye”.

I have considered not telling people I’m leaving and instead just going. If I had more nerve, maybe that’s what I’d do. It’s not that I think saying “goodbye” to me is that upsetting, but it is an exchange that invites the possibility of the expression of sadness. I hate to make anyone sad and somehow slipping away has always appealed to me.

I bought a new suitcase that is massive. It will join the red rolling suitcase I bought in France and replace my little broken rolling bag that doesn’t need to be checked. I’ve got to bring winter apparel over this time and I need more room. Yesterday Matthew helped me load up my new suitcase with vacuum sealed sweaters and I feel a bit more ready and organized.

Sophie is aware that there is a change afoot. She stares at me with wild eyes whenever I am near the suitcases. She is glued to Matthew because I’m certain she knows her wicked mama is taking her away again. This morning she pressed up next to Matthew from 2 am onward in an attempt to express her allegiance. I tell myself that she loves France. She gets to see her boys, has a yard that she can run around at her leisure, and is off leash for her round-the-village walks. Her eyes and current behaviors are expressing some ambiguity about how she views this move. I think she and I both would feel a lot better if Matthew was able to join us the whole time.