This continues to boggle my mind. No one talks about the fact that our bodies get hijacked again at this time in our lives. Nature throws another onslaught of horror at a woman’s body and we are just supposed to accept it. Quietly. Somehow we managed to get used to periods. On a monthly basis we learned to normalize feeling sick, crampy, headachy, moody and we bled. Then, some of us get the experience of getting pregnant and literally housing another person in our bodies. Again, we are expected to work and carryon as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Next, and perhaps most insidiously, menopause or perimenopause hits you in the face.

I used to think I was experiencing the symptoms in full. I struggled with the stubborn belly fat, sore muscles and joints, headaches, and mental fogginess. Evidently, I was just dipping my toes in the pool of menopause hell. Now I have horrid frequent hot flashes. It starts at the base of my spine and seems to zone in on the back of my neck. I flush and start to sweat, The only thing I can compare it to a similar feeling I get right before I vomit. It is the same feeling of flushing, increased heart rate, and sweating that precedes that type of sickness. What’s “fun” about this particular experience is that it happens unexpectedly 5-6 times a day. I pull my hair off the back of my neck, take deep breaths and disrobe if the situation allows. It is horrendous.

What’s worse is that at night it feels like the flashes are more pronounced. I struggle to fall asleep with any blankets covering me and this leaves me feeling vulnerable in the same way as I did when I was a child afraid of monsters. I wake up frequently following vivid dreams and nightmares. Often I am soaked in my own sweat. Almost always I lay there and try to fall back to sleep but my mind starts up and I’m off. I’m worrying about my kids, my future and the general state of the world from my wet bed in the wee hours of the morning.

Last night was terrible. It was like a decathalon with several episodes of hot flashes, disrupted sleep, nightmares and insomnia. Admittedly, it was a relief to see the light of day. Sophie looked a bit concerned when I greeted her with her good morning cuddle. Her eyes looked like they were beseeching me as to find out what the hell had gone on over on my side of the bed.

Just menopause. Never mind. Nature’s latest trick.