Now that I’ve had a decent night’s sleep and an English muffin smothered in peanut butter, I have the energy to explain yesterday’s provocative post.

Things have not been easy since I returned to France. I have been trying to settle back into my life here but I have struggled., Among other things, I’ve had totake out personal items that were hidden away for rental, restock my food, and make my house feel like my home. That has gone fairly well except I have lacked the motivation to put all my clothes away and still have not sought some items that are still hidden. Im not sure why I am reluctant to fully unpack but I suspect it has to do with some ambivalence about being here. Yes, I said that. I’m just not sure where I belong.

While nesting, I have also ben trying to complete the onboarding and significant training for a new job where I will be providing teletherapy for a company instead of just doing it on my own. I’m motivated for this new opportunity (*excited as I can be given that it is still speech therapy), but, given my menopause brain and overall computer skills, this has been a bit overwhelming.

My work at home was interrupted by a trip up to Exeter to get Lily settled. Let me enlighten the reader about what the journey to and from our respective homes requires. If you look at the map, it appears that we are just a hop, skip, and a jump apart, separated by the English channel. In reality, it is a day long trip to reach each other, One could take a ferry but the crossing is like 5 hours and still requires significant driving time as well as trains and/or buses on the other side. Driving through the tunnel would take ages and frankly spooks me out. Flying is the cheapest option, oddly enough, but still requires the use of personal and public transportation to and from connecting airports. Here is a visual of my travel which lasted from 9:30 am until 9:00 pm:

St. Denis de Gastines —-Drive to Le Mans Train——-Paris Montparnasse switch to Metro/RER——-Charles De Gaulle Fly——Bristol Airport taxi——–Bristol Meads Train——–Exeter St. Davids.

My sweet daughter met me at the train and we went directly to a pub for a steak pie. I soon found out that Lily, herself is facing many challenges. She arrived only to find that the University locked her out of her student accounts because of an error pulling her loans second semester. We spent the weekend worrying and confused as to why there was such a significant remaining balance. She also has moved into a house with 5 other girls and we had to food shop, and get all the stuff you need for a new place. Unfortunately, this all had to be done with tremendous money anxiety so we bargained and worked really hard to find things on the cheap. Lily is facing the realities of growing up and becoming financially independent. Her anxiety was palpable so I tried to be reassuring but honestly, I was just as overwhelmed as she was.

Things eventually got sorted after a long zoom meeting with a wonderful man in the financial office. Lily has determined that she will find a job and take out personal loans to make this all possible. It is just daunting. I made a good amount of money this summer but it won’t cover the the increased expense of her new student housing. James is uniquely fortunate to have chosen a very affordable path but I know very well, Lily would be facing a far higher charge if she had decided to stay in the U.S. for school. I am committed to supporting both of my children to the best of my ability to pursue their education. Jim Carignan taught me the value of that.

The best part of my time in Exeter was that I finally got to meet Lily’s friends and be a “house mother” for a few days, cooking, cleaning and weeding the hell out of their little garden. I was so happy to get to know the girls a bit and hear their laughter and excitement getting ready for this second year of school. I lay in bed one night listening to their giggling and remembered my happy days at Bates. It is so important to me that my kids get to feel the joy of this time of life.

I’m tired of writing and have more explanations to give, so I will cap this one for today. Tomorrow more insight into my “fuck” attitude.